It's late

And I should be asleep. But I'm up attempting to edit videos on the crap video editing software that comes with my flipvideo recorder. It is a good thing this internet cafe is pandering to all the computer game junkies and thus staying open past this ridiculous hour. After long last, success!! I finally got the video I was editing to somewhat line up to the music track I was listening to at the time I recorded it. This video is for Satory. I miss him more than words can say and so every now and then I put on Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and give a good hoop dance to help ease the ache. I recorded this dance at my last guest house and you can see in the video what a lovely green and lush garden the guest house maintained. Quite a nice spot to hoop, that lawn. So without further adue I give you "Home Is When I'm With You". (look below. this editor doesn't let me type after the vid. go figure.)

I'm nearly done with my studies at TMC!! I can't believe it has been 3 weeks. Just crazy. I just booked a flight to Phuket for Tuesday of next week where I will go see CC!! :D Can. Not. Wait. Love that girl to pieces and it will be just bliss to see her and possibly go snorkeling!! EEeep so excited. The bummer is I have to spend all day on Monday doing a visa run up to Mai Sai, Burma. I opted out of doing the whole day tourist excursion to the hill tribe people, to the golden triangle and the white temple in Chiang Rai. Too expensive and that isn't how I like to do traveling and site seeing anyways. Too rushed. So instead I will just take the trip up and back, nothing fancy.

On a more interesting/stimulating level, I've noticed since I've been traveling how my personal identity and self image has had to shift and isn't as clear as it was before. I have found that I receive different reactions from people than I do back home or with my family and thus, feeling this different reflection of my energy, I must shift how I see myself. It might seem obvious that people who are not from my nation or my community will react to me differently than people closer to me, but it still is funny how it rocks you when you no longer can stamp your foot down on a solid personal identity or image.

For example, my massage classmates, I can tell, think I talk way too much, too loud and too fast. They have a hard time continuing the converstation after something I say. I find myself sinking into a feeling I havn't had since high school which is that of not being heard. I rememeber saying something to a group of people and when no one responds, wondering if anyone heard me. Or the feeling is of being heard but saying the wrong thing, and thus creating one of those awkward silences that is broken only by the beginning of a completely different subject. I get along quite well with the Australian classmate of mine, Kat, but Nancy from Belgium doesn't even make an effort anymore to follow what I say and just stares off in another direction when I speak. I have really tried to slow down and annunciate my words but I fear this makes me speak even louder than normal, making me even more annoying to her.

The funny thing is that this inability to connect between me and Nancy has translated into a lack of trust when I massage her. Today, I nearly cried in frustration when I massaged her because at just the slightest pressure she would wince and pull away from me. The teacher would come around and try herself to press the point and press far deeper into her back illiciting no complaints or spasms from Nancy. I ask a leading qustion, "Am I pressing harder than her?". "It's different, it's just different," she says, dismissing me. I know I am a good massuese and that I can read a person's body like a map, and not just their body but their emotion, their tension and energy. I know what was happening was a lack of trust and a decision not to let me in. Ooohh is that frustrating!! And all because I am this loud, crazy, American idiot to her. She doens't want my energy entering her and she doesn't want hers entering me. She winces away from my touch like my fingers are hot iron. All because of an inability to connect. To build trust. Interesting. And a shame.

On a lighter note, I met a very nice young Thai man today who breeds Siberian Huskies!! AHHHHHH!! I nearly died. His friend had one of his puppies there with them, the reason I just HAD to stop to say hello, and upon seeing this creature it was all I could do to stay standing and not melt away into the gutter. This dog was So. Damn. Cute. Blue eyes, soft fluffy fur and a love of licking faces and chewing ears. I played with this little furrball for a few minutes while talking (very slowly and clearly) to these awesome funky Thai kids and their mother(?). Another sweet woman with more English than the others. When Nong told me he breeds these husky dogs I nearly fell over. I told him that this was my absolute favorite dog and the exact dog I wanted for when I return to the states. We swapped contact info and then he gave me a ride on his motorbike to my next destination in the old city! Eeee so fun! I can see why SO many Thai people ride these rocketing death traps. We were cruising on smaller streets in the quiet districts of the Old Cty so the air was fresh and cool against my face and the trill of it wasn't paired with the fear of imminent death. Just lovely. He told me to call him any time I needed a ride in or around the Old City and he would pick me up and take me where I needed to go. My own personal taxi!! I've been praying for a motorbike taxi and it has arrived! Only I would never be so demanding or rude. Or, almost never. . .

Bed is beckoning. Goodnight internet world.